Sunday, April 17, 2011

My dream

My feet could hardly stay on the floor. As me and my fellow team mates from my current school bee lined through the hall of my old school I couldn't help but be overwhelmed with the feeling of familialarity. I tried to look composed to soften the blow of potential rejection. But I was so excited to see my old friends hudled in a circle. They would be so excited to see me! They would ask me how I was going at my new school, they would hug me, they would be overwhelmed with joy once they saw me!

Wouldn't they?

All of us were in our sports uniform. Mine a navy blue, theirs a bright white and royal blue jacket. The mahogany floor boards and vast openess of the hall spread beyond my vision. But as uncertainty bunked beds with my confidence, my vision retracted to only the sight of my old friends. I had just reached them to see that the approximate 8 of them were having an intent conversation with someone I new from my old school.
"Hi guys!", I whispered, still expecting an uproaring rush of people to see me. Instead they looked just looked at me.
":Uh hi Kirsty", was all they said after they leaned back and gave me a good look up and down. Everything became I sudden blurr in the following seconds. I asked the girl what she was doing sitting with my friends only to find out she had moved schools. The purpose of this I did not know. I stood up in a swift, confused movement. My friends looked away as my brain rapidly tried to catch up with this unexpected situation. It felt like I had just given a spoilt child some candy, only to receive a slap in the face.
And that was that. In an instant I had discovered that they

no longer wanted to be friends with me.

Backgound info
I've always wanted to be looked up to. I've always wanted people to not envy me but look at me with a certain perspective such as respect. I want to look sophisticated, reserved but open. I thought I could be that at my new school. I thought I could be who I wanted to be, I had the chance to be someone new! Someone more confident, willing to make friends, someone everybody wanted to be friends with, someone fun and funny. But I just felt disappointment. On my first day of school I came home crying because I didn't like the people. I felt like no one cared that I was a new kid going through a tough time. The attitude they took on in my eyes was like "you'll get over kid, just like everybody else".
It's like the saying "it could be worse". Yes ofcourse it could be worse but what I am going through is still tough! Just because I don't have a broken leg or cancer doesn't mean that it's impossible to have a bad time.
I am frustrated because I want more. I am eternally grateful for the friends I have made now, they have acted like a pillow, a place to rest wile I try to muster some courage. However, they are just one section out of the 160 people in the grade. I want to remain friends with them but get to know more people. But I need someone to help me find the confidence because I just can't rely on myslef to do it.

I'm going to bed

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