Why I lost my brother

Do you know that feeling you have when someone tells you something that should make sense but gets you even more confused? Or that feeling where everything around you changes slightly? Or the guilt for not shedding those tears before?

That just happened to me tonight.

When I was about 5 years old my mother lost a child and I lost a brother. The placenta in my mother's womb had come away too early, therefore he receiving less oxygen to his brain, he became somewhat mentally ill. We were told by the nurses that he only had a limited time to live before his brain shut down. We spent 3 months of our lives getting to know him.
He grew thick hair and my mother and I fought over which direction of his hair suited him better. I preferred it down while she liked it spiked up. The most I remember was sharing the little time we had to hold him with both my brother, father, mother and I. I also remember being given free ice cream and apple juice by the nurses when my attention fell elsewhere, and getting stung by stepping on a dead bee in the the playground after warning others not to walk on it.

I have been reading a book about pre-birth planning. It explains the concept of our spirits planning our life challenges before we take cover in our human bodies. It says nothing is ever truly an accident.  I believe that the mishap that caused my brother's condition was a true accident but his spirits worked around it by deciding to teach our family a lesson during the time in which he had to live considering he wouldn't have time to learn his set goals.

A couple of months ago my mother went to see a medium/masseuse. Her job is to connect with her spirits while clearing out the chakras of her clients. My mother was told that my brother - her son - had already reincarnated. In my younger sister's body.
Instead of getting the feeling of everything clicking into place, I was even more confused. But my greatest feeling was guilt. Guilt because I felt like I should of loved her more than what I already did. I wasn't sure if I loved her to the standards of everybody else. Why didn't I feel that special bond with her?
But then I realised that I love her in my own way. There is no standard for love. I love her unconditionally. Even though she may annoy me or do the wrong thing, I will help her because I love her.

My brother loved us so much that he chose to reincarnate in a body that would belong to our family so he could still carry out his life goals and feel love.
Now I can fill in the blank picture of him in my head with the image of my sister - pure love and happiness.

What it's like to have a boring gym partner

Today I was contemplating a certain situation that has been brought to my attention.

There is a new girl at school (as am I) and she seems to be very lonely. I only got to know her during gym class on thursday afternoons. My other supposedly 'friends' seem to enjoy leaving me with her while they have a laugh among themselves.
I have always been small minded in a way. I take on board other peoples' judgements. For instance, I am embarrassed to be seen with an ugly person as I fear it may harm the way people percieve me. I like to make a good impression all the time. But this time I know I am being small minded but I don't seem to want to change that fact because it's just so embarrassing to be seen with her.

Anyway, so in gym we have to get into pairs so I went with her as there was on one else available. While we were crossing the road she asked me how my week had been. I responded saying it had been better for me socially as I had found it difficult to make friends in the beginning. I looked at her and I could see the tiniest bit of sadness in her face but quickly, she slipped her arm around my shoulders and I instantly froze under her. She said that was good then took her arm off me. I was like, what just happened there??

So the rest of the while when we ran I constantly tried to keep up with the other 2 girls but I could see they didn't really care about me, even now. The new girl could see what I was doing so she constantly kept moving closer, closer, and closer. I had to gradually keep moving further and further away.
Then I got stuck with her while we were doing strength training. At that time I was muttering under my breath, why do the others keep ignoring me? Why do they always go with each other and not me? How come they are so close to each other and I am not? I better not be stuck with this girl every week.
The new girl is constantly talking about stuff that just doesn't particularly interest me, like what subjects I have the next day (I hadn't even looked that far ahead yet), or how her sister and her fight a lot, or how heavy her sister's bag was. I was bored out of my mind!! And the others couldn't care in the slightest.

But now I'm thinking, this has to mean something. Why is she in my life?
I believed that the girl had come into my life to teach me what it is like to have no friends. But I know what it is like, I had to eat my recess on the toilet. But now I have friends. Even though I sometimes got the feeling that some people thought I was boring, I perservered and now I have around 20 friends in the school (and counting).

But I have ffigured that she's tring to teach me what it is like to be different. She is trying to teach me not to feel like I'm stuck with her when I'm not, to stop judging her through my eyes, to understand that I have my life and she has her life and that she may not want to have friends yet.
There is no right way to make friends, no body makes a better effort than anybody. We are all experiencing the same thing but it dfifferent ways. I have to learn to not take her problems on board and to not feel guilty about things do not actually concern me.

I have to learn to think about myself but respect others.

What is love?

I was on yahoo answers one night when I came across this question, "I don't know if I love anybody. What is love?"

It got me wondering. I had heard it many times in songs, movies, books etc but I had never really contemplated it. It's like when you get the general idea of something but you couldn't actually answer the question in detail.
So I researched a bit and found bucket loads of shit so I decided to come up with an answer on my own:

Love is different for everyone.

People find it through different ways.
Some might find it through god (religion), attention, luck, or in romantic relationships.
Of course you love your family. Our ultimate experience in life is love. We are made of love, and we know it but we just forget it. Everyone experiences it in different ways including abusive relationships - a man might abuse a woman to teach her to stand up for herself even though he doesn't know that he is actually teaching her out of love. He is performing a service to her that neither of them are aware of.
A deaf person may choose to be deaf to teach themselves to listen to their heart rather than having peoples' judgements determine who we are.
I am still letting the outside world alter my perceptions of health and beauty and life, but that is something I am working on.
i was sitting on the bus the other day when another bunch of students get on. They are all quite noisy but as usual there is one that is particularly. her friends notices this and tells her to quite down but the girl replies by looking at her arm. She reads a quote that is distinctly written in blue pen. At this point I began to pay attention but I can only remember the last line she quoted was, "...[so be yourself] because people don't mind, but those who do mind don't matter"

Coincidence?

Segment of life at first day at new school

I dashed to my locker, still with the eager expectation to meet new people, or at least catch up with the buddy assigned to me. adrenaline pumping through my veins. I approach my locker and casually greet the people whom I had been hoping to find. I turn around to put my books in my locker then turn around. What I see next muddles my mind with such confusion that I am too shy to say anything. It is so horrifying that I turn around recapture my thoughts, then turn around again to make sense of the situation. It's still there, pure nothing. Thay had gone. But I am the new girl ! I cried in my head.
So I slowed my pace and walked down stairs to where I see my buddy seemingly looking happy with her friends. At this point in my journey I don't know where everybody sits amond the 160 people in my grade. I walk up to the terraces - no one there, down under the gym- no one there. So, in a confused and mangled state I walk to the bathrooms and find a suitable toilet to sit on. As I lock the door I slump down onto the cold hard plastic and reminise. I reminise about my old school, my old frinds, my old life. This is not what I had chosen! I cried inwards.
So it was there that I sat for the remainder of recess. I ate my food, text my old friends but then I thought to myself, "This is what I had signed up for. Although it was totally unexpected I feel that I can learn from this situation. There is a part of me that feels sorry for myself, sorry because I hadn't made a best friends on the first day, sorry because no one took notice of the new girl among 20 other new students. But there is an equal part of me that knows it is for the greater good."

Philosophical Musings

A lot has happened since my last pointless blogs. Such as School Certificate, Yr 10 Formal, and so many other stuff which i cannot be bothered to mention. But i just want to take this opportunity to mention that life is ultimately based on your choices. The choice you make affects everybody. Well actually, saying life is 'ultimately' based on your choices is a matter of personal opinion. It's like saying what is more important: your brain, your heart, your lungs, your muscles and so on. Whithout any anyone of them, your body would not be like what it is today.
So sit down. I am aware that people are constantly encouraging people to 'slow down and smell the flowers" and I'm going to tell you the same thing. Weren't we put on earth as humans? We were not given technology or so many opportunities. Isn't it great that we have them now but it might be time for people to say, 'what does it matter?' Why stress out about such things? Instead of hyperventilating about being late to something important, don't be late in the first place.
And you know what? What does it matter if you fail your HSC? It is such a little part of life (ironic because I haven't even reached that stage yet). There are other ways to get to what you want. Don't sludge through everyday because sooner or later you'll say, "yesterday i was 20, today I am 40". Don't watch your life, get involved in it.
Some words of encouragement.

Friendly issues

This is a little story about 'Fran'. Better known as the girl who called me who could be considered as one of my 'friends'.

It was 5 am. My nerves were pulsing through my body. The cold air nipped at my skin and the smell of nothing drowned my thoughts. I gradually sat up into a sitting position in my bed as I listened to the blaring sound of the alarm going off. The rustling of the bushes outside tripped my breath, the sickening images of what was about to happen were flickering across my mind as if someone were leafing through a book. Although I had been robbed of my rights and limited freedom, I knew I had to pull myself together before I told my parents it was time.
I got out of bed, turned off my alarm clock, shooed the possums in the bushes outside my window away, opened my door and walked across the hallway to reluctantly tell my parents it was time to get ready to take me to my school camp.
My parents say that camp teaches me about independance and how to survive in the wild, but I say that is a load of crap. It is a lame excuse for the teachers to take us into the wild and punish us for talking too much in class or whatever.
Anyway, as nervous as I was, I knew that I could rely on my friend (let’s call her Fran) to save me a seat on the bus to camp. With a small dose of confidence I added a bit of spring into my step knowing that Fran was so great. So we-my parents and I- hopped into the car. As the car sped closer to my destination, my stomach increasingly built up a wall of nerves making me feel fragile. I didn’t want to go to camp, I wanted to remain at home with my family and drink hot chocolate but for the next 4 days and 3 nights that would not be an option. So I thought about Fran saving me a seat to help calm my rapid thoughts. As the time came to bid my parents farwell, I broke down a little further, making me a little more fragile knowing the hardest part is goodbye. As I turned around and steadily trod up the stairs of the bus to enter the domain of nervous energy I looked around expectantly for Fran. I starred straight ahead, my heart sinking. Tears were threatening to well over when I said, “Oh, shall I sit by myself then? Is that what you want?”
“I’m so sorry Kirsty. I saved you seat but she came and sat down next to me and she wouldn’t go. I’ve tried telling her to move but she won’t,” said Fran.
Fran you crazy bi*ch! I thought. Before I had time to think of comprehendable thoughts, Fran’s friend Courtney who was sitting next to her said, “Haha, yea Kirsty got lost!” ( in a laughing way which I didn’t find funny at all).
I starred at her and said, “Gee, thanks a lot.” So I sauntered to the only remaining seat at the front of the bus and breathed deep breaths to restrain myself from bawling my eyes out. How could Fran betray me!! Why did she do this!! My feelings are so hurt!! Why? Because I liked Fran better than she liked me and she just made that clear. You know what? Now I know where we stand. I said that to her. When we got off the bus she pretended nothing happened. She told me she felt sick but I couldn’t care less. I told her to clench her stomach mucles which worked. She threw up in the most stupid spot, right next to the toilet (or the pit hole). That bit is irrelevant though.
The lesson I learnt was that sometimes people don’t think. I knew it was a sign to me that she was not the right friend for me. That doesn’t mean that I can’t still hang out with her, it just means that once I move scholls next year (can’t wait!) we will no longer be friends. Truth be told, I don’t really like any of my friends at all. But there is no one else really to hang out with. So does that still make them my friends?

First day back

Yesterday was the first day back at school. Slightly pissed off about having to go but managed to get through it. I am seriously starting to get over the people here at my school. They are so small minded.
My science teacher came up to me and asked me if i was leaving schools and i said yes. She said that all the staff would miss me....awwwwww how FAKE. I know she hates me. Anyway.

Last night one of the people from my school who i guess you would call my friend  called me beacuse she was bored. And i said "haha that's great"
Then she said, "you're always at the top of my mind on list of people to call when i'm bored."

Okay, number 1) She didn't call me all holidays. In fact she hasn't called me in almost a term.
Number 2) I know she said that to make me like her even more
Number 3) She is a b*tch.

You might think I'm jealous of her, and i know it sounds like it, but it really gets on my nerves when people mention what a nice person she is.
NEWS FLASH! She stabbed me in the back.
But anyway, i have to learn to get over it. i have learnt that, as common as this sounds, it really does do no good when you whine about the past. when ever i think of an embarrassing moment i bite my lip or screw up my face or whatever and it makes me feel crap. So i've learnt that it is just better to let it go.

When ever i get really frustrated with my younger sister, my mum tells me to cool it and just let go. But i want to reply like what they do in the movies: "WHAT! YOU'RE TELLING ME TO COOL IT!!?? HOW COULD YOU!? AFTER WHAT SHE DID TO ME AND YOU'RE TELLING ME TO COOL IT!?"
Or something like that.  But there is ultimately no use. It sort of relates back to a situtation when someone is trying to annoy you on purpose and their only intention is to watch you crap your pants with anger. Everybody knows that it's better to just ignore that person and let it go. So it's better to ignore the annoying parts of the past and just let it go.

Recently i questioned myself why i existed (I'm not suicidal or anything). but seriously. Go back to caveman years or the time of Adam and Eve. Didn't God or the Universe (whatever you beleive in) put us on this earth to live? We have developed from total nature to modern day technology and stuff. You have to really sit down and think about what i'm saying before you can really understand. You might read stuff like this and think that you've heard it all (which is what i do), but really you mighten't of.